Teabuyer’s guide on how to fit in

People often ask me how I do it. I live overseas, but most growers and producers treat me like a local, which helps relationship building and getting the best stuff. Regular tea buyers don’t have much status since all you have is money and negotiation skills. Government officials and the local corporate sharks have a much more important priority. The trick for me is to blend in properly. How to do it? Having a good palate helps: all producers treat you differently when you actually understand their product. That’s the artistic appreciation score that corporate sharks and government officials do not have over me. Acting to blend in without offending anyone is the key. Here are some trade secrets:

Taiwan: repeat all instructions and requests at least 5 times. Act extremely worried at all times. Ask the same questions verbatim over and over again. Explain yourself constantly. Speaking Taiwanese Mandarin helps. Never speak with any sort of mainland accent. Also, complaining about China scores points.

Guangzhou: start with Cantonese to lay the right foundation, then negotiate in Mandarin. Be really good at addressing the Cantonese elders properly as ‘uncle’ or if they are older women, ’ boss woman’. Works well. Complain about the Northern Chinese scores points.

Hong Kong: act cold, efficient, totally impersonal. Keep reminding others it’s totally impersonal and it’s just business. Complain about China every other sentence and score instantly. And the sentences all have to be 50% Cantonese slang and 50% English.

China: Southern Fujian: observe strict hierarchies of families and extended families, almost like the mob. Speak only if you are sort of parity rank. Keep silent at all times if possible. Don’t make eye contact. Be invisible for at least a great duration of your visit. Then suddenly wow them with tea knowledge and then make your offer immediately.

Northern Fujian: speak really loudly and moderately aggressively. Be very assertive, keep making the same request until you get some response. Complain about Germans and Russian buyers to score points.

Shanghai and Hangzhou: be very very loud and assertive, very pushy and demanding. You will still get no place unless you have solid connections, but at least being annoyingly loud means you fit in. Act really angry at all times. Complain about the thugs that are the Shanghainese government and score points. Make sure you are not in the same room with government officials first.

Anhui: mellow, silent, deferential. Address the elders properly. Don’t take cold shoulders seriously. It means nothing. Nothing really scores points, but if you mention that Anhui tea is better than Fujian or Jiangsu tea, you win.

Japan: smile, bow, hand over biz cards with 2 hands, bow, wait for instructions. Comment proper compliments for every tea, accurately. Display knowledge of proper Japanese for each taste and varietal. Sit on knees properly without skirming. If the moment is right to speak, assure them that Americans will learn to steep their tea properly to score points.

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